Feelings and Stuff

Did you guys know that if you really don't want to feel something, it's almost easy to suppress that feeling? Push it away to the back of your mind. Shut the door on it and you might not have to face it for a long time.  If you're not ready to feel yet...... Don't. This is probably terrible advice and this is probably going to be a mildly depressing post but just please read on and leave a comment if you're a nice person. I really need to talk to someone right now.
Feelings aren't easy. They're probably the only thing that really make life hard but they're also possibly the most defining quality of the human race. For the past week or so, I've been putting up walls around my self and its all I can do to stop them from coming. Actually, I can't stop them. I tried, but I can't keep the feelings away. I miss him. God he hasn't even left yet, and I already do. He's leaving forever in two hours. He'll come back every now and then but that doesn't change the fact that he won't be HERE. I'm so, so stupid. Thinking if I told myself, it would be fine and didn't allow myself to feel I'd be able to stop myself from missing him, hating him for not hurting like I am, hating myself for not saying goodbye properly, loving him for being him, hating myself for not finding a way out of this. Asking myself if I'll be able to face the pain and go through it or if ill hide it away and run forever.
This is all too fast. I need more time. Just one more day, when his departure isn't sprung on me. One day to remember. That was supposed to be today, but it didn't work out. And now all I have are memories of yesterday, and all the days before that. How was I supposed to know that the last words he said to me yesterday (that he would see me the next day, honestly, the irony) are the last words he'll say to me, ever? It's not fair. None of this is fair. It never is, is it? The worst thing is that I literally wasted three years over this guy and NOTHING came of it. I mean, in the end I was just one of the many people who said goodbye to him, and definitely not the one he'll remember the most. So really, what was the point? Maybe if I'd done things differently, been a little smarter, maybe then something would have come out of all those days wasted, all those minutes taken up crying, all that time spent together. That would have made parting much, much, harder but like they say; it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I think if I had memories of us being together, if we'd at least tried or if he at least knew how I felt, maybe I could do this. Maybe I still can do this. Maybe. But how? The only way is to forget the past, and when that's all I have left, how on earth am I supposed to let it go? Why would I even want to? I don't want to forget even one tiny little thing. God this would all be so much easier if I could just talk to someone. Or maybe not. I don't seem to be that good at the whole talking thing, seeing as I didn't even manage to call him up and say bye. I couldn't. I just know that if I had tried, that whole flood of emotions would have come out and acting like it didn't exist wouldn't be fair to me. I've done it for three years but I can't anymore. And he's the one leaving anyway. He's off to start a new, amazing life in exciting, fast moving New York. And I'm the one stuck here with the big hole that's supposed to be him. It's probably just as well that I didn't tell him everything. That would have made this just that much harder for everyone. My friends don't seem to get that though. They all think I should have kept my feelings 'aside' and talked to him because he 'wanted' to talk to me. Firstly this aside place doesn't exist, and secondly, THREE YEARS! Three years I pined over him, and now he wants to talk to me? Ok, that's not entirely fair. But he certainly didn't show any desire to talk to me and I don't know why my friends couldn't see that. It's bad enough already without being awkward and complicated too.
Also, I'd already built up the walls in my mind. Pushed the feelings away. That chapter of my life was, or is, over. I'm not going to pull out the book again, only to cry over the pages. Maybe that makes me selfish, but I don't really care. Ill look out for myself if I have to. I care about his feelings, but I'm not going to torture myself by playing the 'good friend' on the phone. So I didn't, and now  they all probably think I'm evil. Well that's their problem, and I'm sort of evil anyway which you all probably already know.
Anyway, I'm a mess. The walls didn't stay up as long as I'd hoped. I cried a little. Especially after listening to ed sheeran and now I just feel sort of empty. I have no idea what I feel, or what I'll feel tomorrow. It's a holiday, so I don't have to face school, but I won't get to meet my friends either.
I'm going to try to figure out if anything good came out of all this.....
Well maybe it made me stronger (yeah right). maybe itll just push my friends further away from me seeing as they all probably think im evil. i have only like three real friends anyway. i just hope they can see that im hurting too. im not trying to get their pity or sympathy, i just want them to understand. i want someone, anyone, somewhere, to understand. i doubt that'll happen because i just read this post and it doesn't make any sense at all. but that's the point i guess. all i want right now is for someone to make sense of my lunatical ramblings.
in other news, im super super excited to see percy jackson and the sea of monsters (everything releases late in india) and the mortal instruments. also im in love with fall out boy (a little late, i know).
if you have nothing to read right now, go read Saving June by Hannah Harrington. it is a beautiful BEAUTIFUL story about coping with loss and learning to see the beauty in little things and the whole point of being alive.

thats the edition i read, though there are other, much prettier covers :p. and here are the most amazing lines from the book:

if that doesn't make you want to read the book, i dont know what will.

i have this awesome new idea. at the end of every post, im going to make a list of the five best things this week. (given my track record, we know ill be skipping weeks :P)

so here goes:

1. Independence Day. (thats fifteenth august in india, and we got independence from the british. like most of the rest of the planet.)

2. Gossip Girl. i know, its stupid, shallow and lame, but i like it. tv is the ultimate brain drain anyway, so why not do it in the brainy-drainiest way?

3. its finally stopped raining out here! so sun, sun, sun... :D (i know, the beatles!! <3)

4. getting so many days off from school. lazy lazy lazy...

(my sentiments exactly)

5. my sisters coming home next week!! thats next week but i found out this week and it made the week a lot better so..

thats us on le roman holiday :)

thats all for now, i suppose. im going to watch avril lavignes new video. leave a comment or subscribe :D

    go break hearts my lovelies. xoxo- TheGirlBehindTheGreenLetters.