1.9.13

the mess in my head. now on the net.

hi. im sorry i haven't blogged in- wait. why am i even sorry about that? its not like anyone cares about this. i am feeling absolutely like CRAP right now. its weird because i was happy a few hours ago. but everything is just going wrong. its all so awful that i dont even know where to start. and you know what the worst part is? the worst part is that i feel guilty about feeling miserable. like who am i to not be happy? i have food, books, parents, friends, an education, clothes and a god damn roof over my head. i should shut up and put on a smile because there are people who dont have ANYTHING and somehow it feels disrespectful to say i hate my life, when some people would give anything to have one like it. but i do feel awful. so the guilt adds into the already there misery, which makes me feel worse which makes me feel more guilty and on and on and on. there are so many things that make me feel like crap right now. maybe i should make a list. (do you guys hate it when i make lists? im sorry, but they help a lot. brilliant. i have OCD)
ok, so i just realized that this must be sort of boring and depressing.... whatever. its not like anyone reads this. and besides, i need an OUTLET, for gods sake.
so. here goes.
  1. i feel like im losing friends. like one a day or something. ok, thats not true. maybe i just never had any friends, since i feel like an outsider all the time. at school, i feel like such a fake. its like i have two personalities. in school and outside school. i have no idea what outside school is, but in school me is some totally-different-but-totally-like-everyone-else girl. or maybe theres something wrong with me, because even this post is sounding fake now. the thing is, at school -idontwanttoadmitthis- i dumb myself down. a little. sometimes. and i just feel very... not like me. im a different person. i act like one of them. hell, i become one of them. i dont talk about feminism and being an atheist and wanting to go out and rebel and fight the system and CHANGE something and actually sort of liking science and hating some of the people i supposedly love and wanting to kill this guy for being a sexist stupid PIG and feeling so different and wanting to go hide and read a book and hating them for being so rich and pretty and stupid and wanting to throw eggs or rocks (preferably rocks) at this person in the staff's (i cant say who) face and standing up for something like how my school's administration is completely ridiculous, scheming and corrupt.whew. i really needed to get that out. so im going to try to be myself in school, and see how it goes. im not putting up this charade to keep my friends any more.
     2.   my parents. oh gods, my dysfunctional, we-really-need-to-sort-ourselves-out-and-we-are-ruining-               our-daughter's-life-parents. i mean, they are so weird! they fight like shit, but minutes later its all 'oh               we're a perfectly happy family who love and understand each other'. sorry, but i missed the mood                 flipping switch in the assembly line. they need to decide right? if you love each other, stop freaking                 yelling the house down every day. maybe they can deal with it, but i CANNOT. i dont even know                 why i feel so AWFUL hearing them fight. i mean, so what if they don't love each other? they still both             love me (i think, though they apparently dont care about me hearing them yell at each other). but its               impossible not to feel awful. i want to run away, hide under the covers, yell at them, cry (not                         necessarily in that order). ill be out of here in three years. hopefully ill survive that long.

    3.   the state of my country. obviously, this isn't like a personal problem or something, but its still getting               me down. and this is one thing that i really cannot do anything about. sure, i can do something, but in a           country with 1.2 billion people, not much is going to change. and its not just india either, its the whole             world. what on earth (no pun intended) is happening?!?! its like this planet is no longer a fit place to live. its definitely not a place i'd want to bring a kid into. everywhere you look, something's going terribly, awfully wrong. i used to be the type of person (or maybe i still am) who could still see the good stuff in between all the bad. like a little kid whose parents can barely afford to send him to school working hard and making something of him/herself. or people standing together and fighting to change something. a little bit of happiness among all the violence and destruction. like the sun setting over the sea. but its really hard to find the good stuff these days. there's death everywhere i turn. death, hatred, rape, hunger, poverty, anger, destruction, ignorance, corruption... hats all i can see. when is it going to stop? enough is bloody well enough. i swear, if one more helpless girl gets raped or if one more guy stares at me on the street i am going to fly to delhi and take over the country after killing the prime minister for being so freaking incompetent. and the men in this country. god. i hate them. at least half of them are illiterate (which is the governments fault), selfish, sexist, awful, perverted, freaks (their fault). and nobody is doing anything about it! yeah, the lame ass prime minister will come and make some impressive speech, the people will get pacified, and NOTHING will change. and you know why? because half the people out there don't want it to change. all those cosmetics companies (the industry is bigger than the food industry), the film industry, those uneducated MPs, those people who think women are nothing but mindless bodies and shouldn't be allowed to have a voice much less a life. the biggest problem, for sure, is the rate of illiteracy. (government again) who do you think would go around raping people? obviously some ass who has nothing to lose and doesn't know any better. someone who was never taught to respect women. someone who just wants someone to have it worse than him. no way am i going to pity a rapist, but im just trying to say that they also have a reason for what they do. and they know they probably won't get caught. (government AGAIN, but legislature this time). there is obviously a whole different side to the rapists, this time, the rich and powerful. they also know they probably wont get caught. and all of this, all of this, stems from the belief that women are weak and we won't fight back. well guess what? we're not, and we fucking WILL. enough is ENOUGH. we aren't going to sit down and take it anymore people! we are more than pretty faces, more than just bodies. and our purpose is much greater than the continuity of the human race. for this to change, the whole world is going to have to stop, think, and reprogram. in india, i'd say there are two huge reasons for the ridiculous number of rape cases, and several smaller ones. the first reason has several smaller things behind it. basically, its a combination of how women are disrespected, and hidden away and put down. because of all this, men see women as something to admire, use, and put away. and they also think of us as absolutely as their disposal. on top of all this, dating is completely frowned upon in india. (i dont think i can say government this time....) dont ask me why, because i have no idea. if two people like each and want to go out and have some fun, why shouldn't they???? there was actually this whole protest against the restrictions on dating and other stuff called the pink chaddi campaign. read about it here. so when men see a pretty girl dressed nicely (this could be anything from beat up jeans and a top to a pretty dress) walking down the street, all this stuff together somehow leads to them thinking that they have the right to harm her. like how dare she look pretty? she needs to be taught a lesson. or if they see two people kissing, they'll think oh, she was kissing that guy, she won't mind kissing us either! its sick. if you live in this country, i strongly advise you to learn karate, buy a gun (not pepper spray) or get your boyfriend to drop you home everyday. but obviously, we don't like feeling weak or needy, so we strike out on our own. unfortunately, in this godforsaken hell hole, if you dont know how to defend yourself, you ARE needy. (i can gladly say GOVERNMENT again). a week ago, a journalist got raped by five men while following up on a story. rape is the kind of thing that you think will never happen to you, but that unfortunate girl could easily have been me or my elder sister. and those asses actually thought they would get away with it. thankfully, they messed with the wrong girl. she went straight to the police once they let her go and they caught them in two days. ( i can proudly say government again) score one for brave girls. so the first cause is that girls are put up on a pedestal and sort of revered in this twisted way. that means that fi you're pretty, you're automatically doomed. and dont even THINK about looking nice outside. i have never worn shorts on the streets alone. ever. not even in the summer, and this is INDIA we're talking about. its not like i give a shit about what people will think or say. i do it for myself because i DO NOT enjoy being stared at, whistled at, followed, gestured at, etc. so thanks, but im going to stick with jeans until (me being optimistic) something changes. and im going to work HARD for the change.no way am i going to live my whole life like this. im going to go learn self defence and carry a penknife with me (inspired from my best friend whose blog you can check out here), but im also going to join every protest i can and voice my opinion and go yell at the PM (if i can)

as promised in the last post, im goignt make a list of the five best things this week. (oh no. more lists)
the sun, sun, sun! we are getting some seriously epic weather.
re reading percy jackson :D <3
jack and finn harries coming to india <3<3
yummm. (you can wonder whether i mean the ice cream or.....)
finally getting off my lazy butt and buying some chocolate
cafe frappes
yeah, mine didnt look like that :/

thats it for now my lovelies! have a wonderful rest-of-the-weekend. xoxo, TheGirlbehindTheGreenLetters <3


1.9.13

the mess in my head. now on the net.

hi. im sorry i haven't blogged in- wait. why am i even sorry about that? its not like anyone cares about this. i am feeling absolutely like CRAP right now. its weird because i was happy a few hours ago. but everything is just going wrong. its all so awful that i dont even know where to start. and you know what the worst part is? the worst part is that i feel guilty about feeling miserable. like who am i to not be happy? i have food, books, parents, friends, an education, clothes and a god damn roof over my head. i should shut up and put on a smile because there are people who dont have ANYTHING and somehow it feels disrespectful to say i hate my life, when some people would give anything to have one like it. but i do feel awful. so the guilt adds into the already there misery, which makes me feel worse which makes me feel more guilty and on and on and on. there are so many things that make me feel like crap right now. maybe i should make a list. (do you guys hate it when i make lists? im sorry, but they help a lot. brilliant. i have OCD)
ok, so i just realized that this must be sort of boring and depressing.... whatever. its not like anyone reads this. and besides, i need an OUTLET, for gods sake.
so. here goes.
  1. i feel like im losing friends. like one a day or something. ok, thats not true. maybe i just never had any friends, since i feel like an outsider all the time. at school, i feel like such a fake. its like i have two personalities. in school and outside school. i have no idea what outside school is, but in school me is some totally-different-but-totally-like-everyone-else girl. or maybe theres something wrong with me, because even this post is sounding fake now. the thing is, at school -idontwanttoadmitthis- i dumb myself down. a little. sometimes. and i just feel very... not like me. im a different person. i act like one of them. hell, i become one of them. i dont talk about feminism and being an atheist and wanting to go out and rebel and fight the system and CHANGE something and actually sort of liking science and hating some of the people i supposedly love and wanting to kill this guy for being a sexist stupid PIG and feeling so different and wanting to go hide and read a book and hating them for being so rich and pretty and stupid and wanting to throw eggs or rocks (preferably rocks) at this person in the staff's (i cant say who) face and standing up for something like how my school's administration is completely ridiculous, scheming and corrupt.whew. i really needed to get that out. so im going to try to be myself in school, and see how it goes. im not putting up this charade to keep my friends any more.
     2.   my parents. oh gods, my dysfunctional, we-really-need-to-sort-ourselves-out-and-we-are-ruining-               our-daughter's-life-parents. i mean, they are so weird! they fight like shit, but minutes later its all 'oh               we're a perfectly happy family who love and understand each other'. sorry, but i missed the mood                 flipping switch in the assembly line. they need to decide right? if you love each other, stop freaking                 yelling the house down every day. maybe they can deal with it, but i CANNOT. i dont even know                 why i feel so AWFUL hearing them fight. i mean, so what if they don't love each other? they still both             love me (i think, though they apparently dont care about me hearing them yell at each other). but its               impossible not to feel awful. i want to run away, hide under the covers, yell at them, cry (not                         necessarily in that order). ill be out of here in three years. hopefully ill survive that long.

    3.   the state of my country. obviously, this isn't like a personal problem or something, but its still getting               me down. and this is one thing that i really cannot do anything about. sure, i can do something, but in a           country with 1.2 billion people, not much is going to change. and its not just india either, its the whole             world. what on earth (no pun intended) is happening?!?! its like this planet is no longer a fit place to live. its definitely not a place i'd want to bring a kid into. everywhere you look, something's going terribly, awfully wrong. i used to be the type of person (or maybe i still am) who could still see the good stuff in between all the bad. like a little kid whose parents can barely afford to send him to school working hard and making something of him/herself. or people standing together and fighting to change something. a little bit of happiness among all the violence and destruction. like the sun setting over the sea. but its really hard to find the good stuff these days. there's death everywhere i turn. death, hatred, rape, hunger, poverty, anger, destruction, ignorance, corruption... hats all i can see. when is it going to stop? enough is bloody well enough. i swear, if one more helpless girl gets raped or if one more guy stares at me on the street i am going to fly to delhi and take over the country after killing the prime minister for being so freaking incompetent. and the men in this country. god. i hate them. at least half of them are illiterate (which is the governments fault), selfish, sexist, awful, perverted, freaks (their fault). and nobody is doing anything about it! yeah, the lame ass prime minister will come and make some impressive speech, the people will get pacified, and NOTHING will change. and you know why? because half the people out there don't want it to change. all those cosmetics companies (the industry is bigger than the food industry), the film industry, those uneducated MPs, those people who think women are nothing but mindless bodies and shouldn't be allowed to have a voice much less a life. the biggest problem, for sure, is the rate of illiteracy. (government again) who do you think would go around raping people? obviously some ass who has nothing to lose and doesn't know any better. someone who was never taught to respect women. someone who just wants someone to have it worse than him. no way am i going to pity a rapist, but im just trying to say that they also have a reason for what they do. and they know they probably won't get caught. (government AGAIN, but legislature this time). there is obviously a whole different side to the rapists, this time, the rich and powerful. they also know they probably wont get caught. and all of this, all of this, stems from the belief that women are weak and we won't fight back. well guess what? we're not, and we fucking WILL. enough is ENOUGH. we aren't going to sit down and take it anymore people! we are more than pretty faces, more than just bodies. and our purpose is much greater than the continuity of the human race. for this to change, the whole world is going to have to stop, think, and reprogram. in india, i'd say there are two huge reasons for the ridiculous number of rape cases, and several smaller ones. the first reason has several smaller things behind it. basically, its a combination of how women are disrespected, and hidden away and put down. because of all this, men see women as something to admire, use, and put away. and they also think of us as absolutely as their disposal. on top of all this, dating is completely frowned upon in india. (i dont think i can say government this time....) dont ask me why, because i have no idea. if two people like each and want to go out and have some fun, why shouldn't they???? there was actually this whole protest against the restrictions on dating and other stuff called the pink chaddi campaign. read about it here. so when men see a pretty girl dressed nicely (this could be anything from beat up jeans and a top to a pretty dress) walking down the street, all this stuff together somehow leads to them thinking that they have the right to harm her. like how dare she look pretty? she needs to be taught a lesson. or if they see two people kissing, they'll think oh, she was kissing that guy, she won't mind kissing us either! its sick. if you live in this country, i strongly advise you to learn karate, buy a gun (not pepper spray) or get your boyfriend to drop you home everyday. but obviously, we don't like feeling weak or needy, so we strike out on our own. unfortunately, in this godforsaken hell hole, if you dont know how to defend yourself, you ARE needy. (i can gladly say GOVERNMENT again). a week ago, a journalist got raped by five men while following up on a story. rape is the kind of thing that you think will never happen to you, but that unfortunate girl could easily have been me or my elder sister. and those asses actually thought they would get away with it. thankfully, they messed with the wrong girl. she went straight to the police once they let her go and they caught them in two days. ( i can proudly say government again) score one for brave girls. so the first cause is that girls are put up on a pedestal and sort of revered in this twisted way. that means that fi you're pretty, you're automatically doomed. and dont even THINK about looking nice outside. i have never worn shorts on the streets alone. ever. not even in the summer, and this is INDIA we're talking about. its not like i give a shit about what people will think or say. i do it for myself because i DO NOT enjoy being stared at, whistled at, followed, gestured at, etc. so thanks, but im going to stick with jeans until (me being optimistic) something changes. and im going to work HARD for the change.no way am i going to live my whole life like this. im going to go learn self defence and carry a penknife with me (inspired from my best friend whose blog you can check out here), but im also going to join every protest i can and voice my opinion and go yell at the PM (if i can)

as promised in the last post, im goignt make a list of the five best things this week. (oh no. more lists)
the sun, sun, sun! we are getting some seriously epic weather.
re reading percy jackson :D <3
jack and finn harries coming to india <3<3
yummm. (you can wonder whether i mean the ice cream or.....)
finally getting off my lazy butt and buying some chocolate
cafe frappes
yeah, mine didnt look like that :/

thats it for now my lovelies! have a wonderful rest-of-the-weekend. xoxo, TheGirlbehindTheGreenLetters <3