Feelings and Stuff

Did you guys know that if you really don't want to feel something, it's almost easy to suppress that feeling? Push it away to the back of your mind. Shut the door on it and you might not have to face it for a long time.  If you're not ready to feel yet...... Don't. This is probably terrible advice and this is probably going to be a mildly depressing post but just please read on and leave a comment if you're a nice person. I really need to talk to someone right now.
Feelings aren't easy. They're probably the only thing that really make life hard but they're also possibly the most defining quality of the human race. For the past week or so, I've been putting up walls around my self and its all I can do to stop them from coming. Actually, I can't stop them. I tried, but I can't keep the feelings away. I miss him. God he hasn't even left yet, and I already do. He's leaving forever in two hours. He'll come back every now and then but that doesn't change the fact that he won't be HERE. I'm so, so stupid. Thinking if I told myself, it would be fine and didn't allow myself to feel I'd be able to stop myself from missing him, hating him for not hurting like I am, hating myself for not saying goodbye properly, loving him for being him, hating myself for not finding a way out of this. Asking myself if I'll be able to face the pain and go through it or if ill hide it away and run forever.
This is all too fast. I need more time. Just one more day, when his departure isn't sprung on me. One day to remember. That was supposed to be today, but it didn't work out. And now all I have are memories of yesterday, and all the days before that. How was I supposed to know that the last words he said to me yesterday (that he would see me the next day, honestly, the irony) are the last words he'll say to me, ever? It's not fair. None of this is fair. It never is, is it? The worst thing is that I literally wasted three years over this guy and NOTHING came of it. I mean, in the end I was just one of the many people who said goodbye to him, and definitely not the one he'll remember the most. So really, what was the point? Maybe if I'd done things differently, been a little smarter, maybe then something would have come out of all those days wasted, all those minutes taken up crying, all that time spent together. That would have made parting much, much, harder but like they say; it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I think if I had memories of us being together, if we'd at least tried or if he at least knew how I felt, maybe I could do this. Maybe I still can do this. Maybe. But how? The only way is to forget the past, and when that's all I have left, how on earth am I supposed to let it go? Why would I even want to? I don't want to forget even one tiny little thing. God this would all be so much easier if I could just talk to someone. Or maybe not. I don't seem to be that good at the whole talking thing, seeing as I didn't even manage to call him up and say bye. I couldn't. I just know that if I had tried, that whole flood of emotions would have come out and acting like it didn't exist wouldn't be fair to me. I've done it for three years but I can't anymore. And he's the one leaving anyway. He's off to start a new, amazing life in exciting, fast moving New York. And I'm the one stuck here with the big hole that's supposed to be him. It's probably just as well that I didn't tell him everything. That would have made this just that much harder for everyone. My friends don't seem to get that though. They all think I should have kept my feelings 'aside' and talked to him because he 'wanted' to talk to me. Firstly this aside place doesn't exist, and secondly, THREE YEARS! Three years I pined over him, and now he wants to talk to me? Ok, that's not entirely fair. But he certainly didn't show any desire to talk to me and I don't know why my friends couldn't see that. It's bad enough already without being awkward and complicated too.
Also, I'd already built up the walls in my mind. Pushed the feelings away. That chapter of my life was, or is, over. I'm not going to pull out the book again, only to cry over the pages. Maybe that makes me selfish, but I don't really care. Ill look out for myself if I have to. I care about his feelings, but I'm not going to torture myself by playing the 'good friend' on the phone. So I didn't, and now  they all probably think I'm evil. Well that's their problem, and I'm sort of evil anyway which you all probably already know.
Anyway, I'm a mess. The walls didn't stay up as long as I'd hoped. I cried a little. Especially after listening to ed sheeran and now I just feel sort of empty. I have no idea what I feel, or what I'll feel tomorrow. It's a holiday, so I don't have to face school, but I won't get to meet my friends either.
I'm going to try to figure out if anything good came out of all this.....
Well maybe it made me stronger (yeah right). maybe itll just push my friends further away from me seeing as they all probably think im evil. i have only like three real friends anyway. i just hope they can see that im hurting too. im not trying to get their pity or sympathy, i just want them to understand. i want someone, anyone, somewhere, to understand. i doubt that'll happen because i just read this post and it doesn't make any sense at all. but that's the point i guess. all i want right now is for someone to make sense of my lunatical ramblings.
in other news, im super super excited to see percy jackson and the sea of monsters (everything releases late in india) and the mortal instruments. also im in love with fall out boy (a little late, i know).
if you have nothing to read right now, go read Saving June by Hannah Harrington. it is a beautiful BEAUTIFUL story about coping with loss and learning to see the beauty in little things and the whole point of being alive.

thats the edition i read, though there are other, much prettier covers :p. and here are the most amazing lines from the book:

if that doesn't make you want to read the book, i dont know what will.

i have this awesome new idea. at the end of every post, im going to make a list of the five best things this week. (given my track record, we know ill be skipping weeks :P)

so here goes:

1. Independence Day. (thats fifteenth august in india, and we got independence from the british. like most of the rest of the planet.)

2. Gossip Girl. i know, its stupid, shallow and lame, but i like it. tv is the ultimate brain drain anyway, so why not do it in the brainy-drainiest way?

3. its finally stopped raining out here! so sun, sun, sun... :D (i know, the beatles!! <3)

4. getting so many days off from school. lazy lazy lazy...

(my sentiments exactly)

5. my sisters coming home next week!! thats next week but i found out this week and it made the week a lot better so..

thats us on le roman holiday :)

thats all for now, i suppose. im going to watch avril lavignes new video. leave a comment or subscribe :D

    go break hearts my lovelies. xoxo- TheGirlBehindTheGreenLetters.

Judgement Day

hello jobless-but-totally-awesome-for-reading-this-blog users of the internet :D
so there are a few things i forgot to mention in my last post. like, the title. the thing is, i have a lot of guy friends, but every time i get close to a guy all we talk about is his girlfriends and ex girlfriends. so yeah, im probably going to be forever alone since even though im head-over-heels for this guy he doesn't seem to share the feeling. oh well, my day has sucked bad enough without getting into all that.
and the reason my day has sucked so far is that we got our marks from the exams today. i think that says it all. they were terrible, much worse than ive ever scored before. i have no idea what happened between the last exams and these ones. but i think the only thing to do now is try to do better next time. i mean what else can i do? apart from give up entirely, which im obviously not going to do.
so a while ago i decided that this blog isn't going to be all about me....
the day before my birthday last month one of my favorite actors, characters and half of my OTP (one true pair) died. it was pretty awful and i ended up almost not celebrating my birthday because i was so torn up. i know he was just a famous guy who didnt know i exist. but he was a good actor, and i was in love with his character. (in case you haven't guessed im talking about cory aka finn from glee) he didnt matter that much in my life, but knowing he was gone, that he would never play finn and there would never be a finn again...
and im a huge fan of his girlfriend, lea michele. they were to be married in two weeks and that just broke my heart. i mean how do you get over something like that? and another thing. he died of a drug overdose. since then, so many people have told me 'it was his own fault' and 'how can you feel bad about it' and i literally wanted to scream at. i get it, ok? you think taking drugs is despicable. you think he basically killed himself, and thats disgusting and no one should mourn his death. did you ever think he was an innocent person with a big problem? did you ever wonder whether he got sucked into it unintentionally and maybe even unknowingly? did you ever think about how maybe behind that veil of perfection his life sucked and maybe he just wasn't strong enough? some people aren't, and yes thats weak and cowardly and incredibly selfish. but you cant hate people for that, or blame them for being dead. i agree he should have gotten help and tried to be stronger. but im going to give him the benefit of doubt, and wish he could have had a long happy life, and miss finn every day, and hope that lea can move on with her life. if you think thats sick too, well good for you.
                           well anyway i really dont know what to write :/ im back to regular school. feeling awkward, wanting to punch someone, drawing the deathly hallows everywhere, groaning at people's grammar, etc. etc. clearly im feeling great right now. anyway i really dont know what to say so im going to post this story i wrote today. (its based on something that happened today but i've tweaked things around a little)
                           Carrie sat back in her seat, a happy smile on her face. things were going right for once. in a crowded room full of kids enjoying lunch, she didn't feel alone for once. she was sitting at a table with her best friend, her best friend's boyfriend and a couple of other friends of theirs. she finally had friends at this school, after about two years.
           she snapped out of her reverie when she heard Maia say her name. "huh?" she said, looking up at maia while toying with her food. everyone laughed. Maia said, "never mind, i was just telling them about what we did last friday." carrie siled. "yeah, that was awesome. anyway, you never told me what you did on saturday." Maia straightened up and flipped her hair back "oh my gosh, i got these really cute earrings. they're like these ten different studs."
           at this, chace turned his attention back to his friends. his hair caught the sunlight streaming in through their cafetaria window. Carrie stared. he was so, so cute. she loved how his dark hair looked golden in the light. "different earrings?" he said. "khloe has some of those." he smiled into the distance, as if at an old memory. "she loved wearing the camera in one ear and the heart in the other." he looked around expectantly at the group."get it? a camera and a heart?" carrie looked around to check if chace was making any more sense to her friends. chace said, "you- capture- my- heart." doing the actions for a camera and a heart with his hands. "so was she wearing them for you?" someone said teasingly. "yeah" said chace with a goofy smile. "she pinned the heart on my sleeve." Carries heart began its slow plummet down to her stomach and settled near her toes. Maia made a puke gesture behind chace's back.
          this had been going on for ages. she wondered why chace couldn't see how she felt about him. it seemed painfully obvious to everyone else. or maybe he knew, and he just didnt care.

thats it. please, plase, please tell me what you thought in the comments, or email me. id love to hear from you :) oh and im sorry if there are any mistakes, im typing this really fast. more later my lovelies.
xoxo TheGirlBehindTheGreenLetters

#ForeverAlone

i feel like ive been away for so long, i might just have forgotten how to do this. well, i'll give it a shot anyway.
firstly, the reason ive been away for so long is that ive had exams :( the Indian education system is such that we give 100 mark exams at least twice or thrice a year :( and then in the tenth grade, everyone across india gives the same board exams which will eventually help us get into college.
why on EARTH am i talking about exams? mine get over tomorrow so YAYYY :D
so my last blog post was about the break up..... a lots happened since then.
lets see ummm
poem guy is not history. not at all. is is ever possible to get over someone? i mean, completely? somehow i dont think so. that feeling never goes away, no matter how much you want it to, everytime i see him its like this flow of weirdly opposite feelings inside me. like i like him, but i really really dont want to, and at the same time i really really want him to like me. its awful :( i think this should be something we should be allowed to take as an extra subject in school: getting over a boy 101. i figured this out on this school camp around three weeks ago...
apart from all that crappy-drama-part-of-life lets see.......
i haven't really been able to read much since, duh, exams but i am re-reading the mortal instruments by cassandra clare which is a great series. in fact, the movie is coming out soon. (and i am super psyched) the series is basically about this girl who discovers this entire other world with demons and demon hunters that exists right alongside ours. definitely a must read if you liked harry potter and percy jackson. (if you haven't read those then just....go hide somewhere and never come out). i had to write an english essay about an important event in thats affected my life and who i am and since my life has been very uneventful and boring for the past fourteen years, i wrote about discovering books. thats literally the best thing thats happened to me so far (maybe excluding meeting my best friend and seeing billie joe-armstrong). books have been a huge part of my life ever since i was like two. i really want a writer someday, but i really dont see that happening, owing to the number of stories ive managed to finish writing (one). my other great writing enterprise is this blog which is almost a complete joke. anyway i wrote the essay about how much books mean to me and how the world would be a much much better place if everyone had read a bunch of books. that said, please tell me the names of any amazing books you think i should read.
im really bored and i really dont know what to say. or rather, i dont know how to say it. my head is kind of mess right now... like my thoughts are all going around in circles and chasing each other and collectively trying to make my head explode. maybe i should make a list.... that normally helps.
a list of things in my head right now, by the girl behind the green letters:

• i really hope my parents allow me to fly down alone to visit my sister at college. i sort of miss her a lot and i really want to try flying alone and it would be exactly the kind of fun thing i need right now.
• im sort of annoyed with my parents because they're probably not going to allow me to fly down alone to visit my sister at college and they keep yelling at each other about absolutely idiotic things.
• i feel like ive lost myself. i just dont know who i am anymore. i dont know what type of music im in love with, i dont if i think taylor swift is sort of stupid or bloody brilliant, i dont know if ive suddenly started liking tv shows more than books, i dont know if ive become a shallow, conceited person because i hang out with some people like that, i dont know if im still a rebellious little potterhead atheist i dont know if ive become a 'stupid girl' i just dont know.
• and it doesn't help that im feeling judged everywhere i go. so i used to be known for being smart at school, but recently thats begun to change. my friends dont seem to care that much about their grades anymore and i want to have fun with them because they're the only people at school who love me and get me at least a little. now im losing my teachers' trust and respect. its like theres this imaginary obedience/trust line and im suddenly on the wrong side of it. just a few tiny incidents here and there and bam you aren't a 'good' kid anymore. i mean, im not complaining. its just hard to know if fleeting happiness and meaningful friendships are worth more than good grades and a good reputation.
• obviously my, umm, 'descent to the other side' hasn't gone unnoticed by my parents.' they've always been easy going about grades and studying, but they're coming down hard now. i just hope my exam results this time aren't too bad or itll be bye-bye internet-and-everything-else-that-is-fun and helloo dark-days-spent-in-my-seemingly-slowly-shrinking-room.
• ive been listening to a lot of different kinds of music. well not really a lot and not really different but blah. im in love with wake me up by avicii and ive linked the name because im so nice :')  i also really love slow down by selena gomez, radioactive by imagine dragons, sunset blvd. by emblem three, drunk by ed sheeran, and this may seem odd considering but stairway to heaven by led zep.
• i feel like im losing my best friend. she went through a really hard time recently and im worried for her. but she isn't taking my calls or replying to my texts. i love her so much and i just want her to know that im always here.
• don't judge me, but i started watching Gossip Girl :P
• i really dont want to go to school :( i just dont fit in. i mean i have a lot of friends and stuff but thats only because i pretend to be someone im not. not that i know who i am.
• i seem to repel guys.

 meh whatever.

thats about it for now. if you're bored, listen to some of those songs along with thunder by boys like girls and go read roundabout by rhiannon lassiter or anything by judy blume :')
if you read my blog, i sincerely love you to the moon and back.
more next time, hopefully. go break hearts my cupcakes :)
xoxo- TheGirlBehindTheGreenLetters