needing Miracles

Change. Change is the most beautiful thing in the world. It's the only constant in anyone's life. And it's what we need, more than ever, RIGHT NOW. Things are going from bad to worse. This country is falling apart, the world alongside it. I feel so many things burning up inside me, and I feel like there's nothing I can do. I'm one person in a billion. I WANT to do something, fight this injustice, scream and shout and fight till something CHANGES. But I know already that nothing will. Am I being pessimistic? Am I giving up before I begin? But like, get real. What can one person really do in India, a country ruled by the powerful, the selfish, and the corrupt? All I know is that even if I'm fighting a losing battle, I WILL fight. I will not sit here and watch this madness anymore. Everyone is born with the right to live. To do what we want with our lives. To wear what we want. To go where we want. To say and do what we want. STOP TAKING THAT AWAY FROM US.
Fine, you're a poor, uneducated, starving, tired desperate guy. Your life sucks. You're frustrated. You deserve better than this. How can some people have so much more than others? Look at those kids. Happy, rich, satisfied, content. Look at that girl over there. She's so pretty. But what is she wearing?! Is she crazy? That can't be allowed. Really, she needs someone to teach her a lesson. Girls should be quiet, meek, timid little things. Not bold and walking out on the streets flaunting their beauty! And anyway, what have you got to lose? You don't have two coins to rub together. So what if she goes to the police? Jail might just be better than this. Her hair looks amazing. You want her. She's alone anyway. How stupid of her. Doesn't she know she has it coming? Men are allowed to take what they want. She should know that by now,  and protect herself if she doesn't want to share. So you walk up to her. Wow, she's even nicer up close. You take what you think is rightfully yours. You ignore her screaming (god, didn't anyone teach her about indoor voices?!) and crying. She deserves to feel the pain. She deserves to feel as much as you had to. You're only trying to teach her a lesson. Be a weak little shy thing. That's what girls are meant to be, and you're making sure she won't forget it. Once it's done, you feel slightly better. Powerful, even. She may be rich, but she couldn't stop you! You WILL have  your share of happiness from this world. You don't care that you just ruined someone's life. That her life will now be much worse than yours. That it wasn't her fault she was rich and pretty. That maybe if you'd done an honest days work in your life you could be not-hungry too. That she was completely innocent. That she had just as much right as you did to roam the streets. That she was just as strong as you were. An equal. And that taking away her happiness, her beauty, her purity had done nothing for your own. That you were a pervert, that you didn't care about other people. Why should you? No one cared about you. Of course, it never occurred to you that if you cared for someone they might care about you too. That you just left a girl to die.

I'm so sick of this. Sure, I can rant all I want on here, but out in the world, nothing changes. This prejudice is set so, so, deep in people's minds. It's going to take a miracle to stop the crimes. There are so few good people out there that its scary. So few people who will stand together for a cause and FIGHT. There are people who say things but don't really mean them. People who are so incredibly selfish that they wouldn't bat an eyelid over having charges dropped, convicting the wrong person, bribing the authorities, influencing a jury, if it means a few more lakes in their kitty. There are the desperate, the ones who have nothing to lose. If they take a few others down with them, who cares? There are the afraid, the indifferent, the ones who'd rather-stay-out-of-it-thank-you-very-much. They don't want to fight the system, because the system works for them. Who cares if a bunch of people die? People die anyway. There are quitters. The ones who say this a losing battle, so why fight?  Nothing's going to change. There are the selfish ones, the ones who are safe enough to really not care. There are the tentative believers. The ones who know something has to change, but they won't go out  there and change it. The ones who would rather be wronged than go out and do something scary.
And then are the rest of us. The tiny bunch of people who will hope, who will dream, who will keep  on fighting, no matter how often they scream at us and push us away and strike us down. Because I  know my rights. I know what I want, and I know what I deserve. And I'm going to make sure I  bloody well get it. There's no point depending on others to do it for me. The government doesn't give a SHIT. The government probably doesn't even want anything to change. They're rich, they're happy, and they're going to keep getting rich, the country can go to the dogs. Fine then. We're going to step up and fight for ourselves. maybe, just maybe, if enough people want it, our miracle will happen. things can change.

Spoiler alert

PERCABETH JUST FELL INTO TARTARUS THIS IS NOT OKAY IT CANNOT BE ALLOWED THIS ISN'T POSSIBLE I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT NO THIS CAN'T HAPPEN WHO ALLOWED THIS. I CAN'T. ASDFGHJKL.
the sea of monsters and the mortal instruments both finally released in India :D in the same week! You know what my best things are going to be next week ;) I can't wait to get my hands on house of hades!!!!!! Books are proof that humans can do magic :D alrighty, I've got to go do dig through mymountain of  homework :( go read books my lovelies :) ciao.

the mess in my head. now on the net.

hi. im sorry i haven't blogged in- wait. why am i even sorry about that? its not like anyone cares about this. i am feeling absolutely like CRAP right now. its weird because i was happy a few hours ago. but everything is just going wrong. its all so awful that i dont even know where to start. and you know what the worst part is? the worst part is that i feel guilty about feeling miserable. like who am i to not be happy? i have food, books, parents, friends, an education, clothes and a god damn roof over my head. i should shut up and put on a smile because there are people who dont have ANYTHING and somehow it feels disrespectful to say i hate my life, when some people would give anything to have one like it. but i do feel awful. so the guilt adds into the already there misery, which makes me feel worse which makes me feel more guilty and on and on and on. there are so many things that make me feel like crap right now. maybe i should make a list. (do you guys hate it when i make lists? im sorry, but they help a lot. brilliant. i have OCD)
ok, so i just realized that this must be sort of boring and depressing.... whatever. its not like anyone reads this. and besides, i need an OUTLET, for gods sake.
so. here goes.

1. i feel like im losing friends. like one a day or something. ok, thats not true. maybe i just never had any friends, since i feel like an outsider all the time. at school, i feel like such a fake. its like i have two personalities. in school and outside school. i have no idea what outside school is, but in school me is some totally-different-but-totally-like-everyone-else girl. or maybe theres something wrong with me, because even this post is sounding fake now. the thing is, at school -idontwanttoadmitthis- i dumb myself down. a little. sometimes. and i just feel very... not like me. im a different person. i act like one of them. hell, i become one of them. i dont talk about feminism and being an atheist and wanting to go out and rebel and fight the system and CHANGE something and actually sort of liking science and hating some of the people i supposedly love and wanting to kill this guy for being a sexist stupid PIG and feeling so different and wanting to go hide and read a book and hating them for being so rich and pretty and stupid and wanting to throw eggs or rocks (preferably rocks) at this person in the staff's (i cant say who) face and standing up for something like how my school's administration is completely ridiculous, scheming and corrupt.whew. i really needed to get that out. so im going to try to be myself in school, and see how it goes. im not putting up this charade to keep my friends any more.

     2.   my parents. oh gods, my dysfunctional, we-really-need-to-sort-ourselves-out-and-we-are-ruining-               our-daughter's-life-parents. i mean, they are so weird! they fight like shit, but minutes later its all 'oh               we're a perfectly happy family who love and understand each other'. sorry, but i missed the mood                 flipping switch in the assembly line. they need to decide right? if you love each other, stop freaking                 yelling the house down every day. maybe they can deal with it, but i CANNOT. i dont even know                 why i feel so AWFUL hearing them fight. i mean, so what if they don't love each other? they still both             love me (i think, though they apparently dont care about me hearing them yell at each other). but its               impossible not to feel awful. i want to run away, hide under the covers, yell at them, cry (not                         necessarily in that order). ill be out of here in three years. hopefully ill survive that long.

    3.   the state of my country. obviously, this isn't like a personal problem or something, but its still getting               me down. and this is one thing that i really cannot do anything about. sure, i can do something, but in a           country with 1.2 billion people, not much is going to change. and its not just india either, its the whole             world. what on earth (no pun intended) is happening?!?! its like this planet is no longer a fit place to live. its definitely not a place i'd want to bring a kid into. everywhere you look, something's going terribly, awfully wrong. i used to be the type of person (or maybe i still am) who could still see the good stuff in between all the bad. like a little kid whose parents can barely afford to send him to school working hard and making something of him/herself. or people standing together and fighting to change something. a little bit of happiness among all the violence and destruction. like the sun setting over the sea. but its really hard to find the good stuff these days. there's death everywhere i turn. death, hatred, rape, hunger, poverty, anger, destruction, ignorance, corruption... hats all i can see. when is it going to stop? enough is bloody well enough. i swear, if one more helpless girl gets raped or if one more guy stares at me on the street i am going to fly to delhi and take over the country after killing the prime minister for being so freaking incompetent. and the men in this country. god. i hate them. at least half of them are illiterate (which is the governments fault), selfish, sexist, awful, perverted, freaks (their fault). and nobody is doing anything about it! yeah, the lame ass prime minister will come and make some impressive speech, the people will get pacified, and NOTHING will change. and you know why? because half the people out there don't want it to change. all those cosmetics companies (the industry is bigger than the food industry), the film industry, those uneducated MPs, those people who think women are nothing but mindless bodies and shouldn't be allowed to have a voice much less a life. the biggest problem, for sure, is the rate of illiteracy. (government again) who do you think would go around raping people? obviously some ass who has nothing to lose and doesn't know any better. someone who was never taught to respect women. someone who just wants someone to have it worse than him. no way am i going to pity a rapist, but im just trying to say that they also have a reason for what they do. and they know they probably won't get caught. (government AGAIN, but legislature this time). there is obviously a whole different side to the rapists, this time, the rich and powerful. they also know they probably wont get caught. and all of this, all of this, stems from the belief that women are weak and we won't fight back. well guess what? we're not, and we fucking WILL. enough is ENOUGH. we aren't going to sit down and take it anymore people! we are more than pretty faces, more than just bodies. and our purpose is much greater than the continuity of the human race. for this to change, the whole world is going to have to stop, think, and reprogram. in india, i'd say there are two huge reasons for the ridiculous number of rape cases, and several smaller ones. the first reason has several smaller things behind it. basically, its a combination of how women are disrespected, and hidden away and put down. because of all this, men see women as something to admire, use, and put away. and they also think of us as absolutely as their disposal. on top of all this, dating is completely frowned upon in india. (i dont think i can say government this time....) dont ask me why, because i have no idea. if two people like each and want to go out and have some fun, why shouldn't they???? there was actually this whole protest against the restrictions on dating and other stuff called the pink chaddi campaign. read about it here. so when men see a pretty girl dressed nicely (this could be anything from beat up jeans and a top to a pretty dress) walking down the street, all this stuff together somehow leads to them thinking that they have the right to harm her. like how dare she look pretty? she needs to be taught a lesson. or if they see two people kissing, they'll think oh, she was kissing that guy, she won't mind kissing us either! its sick. if you live in this country, i strongly advise you to learn karate, buy a gun (not pepper spray) or get your boyfriend to drop you home everyday. but obviously, we don't like feeling weak or needy, so we strike out on our own. unfortunately, in this godforsaken hell hole, if you dont know how to defend yourself, you ARE needy. (i can gladly say GOVERNMENT again). a week ago, a journalist got raped by five men while following up on a story. rape is the kind of thing that you think will never happen to you, but that unfortunate girl could easily have been me or my elder sister. and those asses actually thought they would get away with it. thankfully, they messed with the wrong girl. she went straight to the police once they let her go and they caught them in two days. ( i can proudly say government again) score one for brave girls. so the first cause is that girls are put up on a pedestal and sort of revered in this twisted way. that means that fi you're pretty, you're automatically doomed. and dont even THINK about looking nice outside. i have never worn shorts on the streets alone. ever. not even in the summer, and this is INDIA we're talking about. its not like i give a shit about what people will think or say. i do it for myself because i DO NOT enjoy being stared at, whistled at, followed, gestured at, etc. so thanks, but im going to stick with jeans until (me being optimistic) something changes. and im going to work HARD for the change.no way am i going to live my whole life like this. im going to go learn self defence and carry a penknife with me (inspired from my best friend whose blog you can check out here), but im also going to join every protest i can and voice my opinion and go yell at the PM (if i can)

as promised in the last post, im goignt make a list of the five best things this week. (oh no. more lists)

the sun, sun, sun! we are getting some seriously epic weather.

re reading percy jackson :D <3

jack and finn harries coming to india <3<3

yummm. (you can wonder whether i mean the ice cream or.....)

finally getting off my lazy butt and buying some chocolate

cafe frappes

yeah, mine didnt look like that :/

thats it for now my lovelies! have a wonderful rest-of-the-weekend. xoxo, TheGirlbehindTheGreenLetters <3