When a rational, sane person thinks of something they want to do, their thought process is probably something like: 1) I want this thing to happen 2) here's how I could make it happen 3) this is what I should do first, and so on. When I think of something that I want, my mind is all like "let's do everything possible to make sure this doesn't happen, hating ourselves the whole time". Let's say one night I decide I'm going to actually catch the bus the next day, and save my cab money. Before I go to sleep I'm like okay, I'll get up fifteen minutes earlier. This is what I'll eat. This is what I'll wear. Unconsciously, I build the whole thing up in my head, giving it way more attention than it deserves. It's just a regular bus ride. It takes twenty minutes. Nothing eventful will happen. I probably won't remember it in one week. Somehow, one part of my brain knows all this, but to another part (the part that controls what I do) this inconsequential bus ride is a massive, daunting, anxiety inducing task. Right then and there, this part goes okay, no, nope nope nopity nope. There's no way in hell that we are catching that bus. It's too hard. Just forget it and we can live in blissful ignorance. I can sense this. I can feel it happening. Of course, the rational side of my brain is like "shut the hell up, crazy side. We are doing this." At this point the crazy side gives us a crazy serial killer smile, says "lol, good luck with that losers", and goes to sleep. So a part of me is convinced that I'm not going to catch the bus and I should save myself from disappointment by giving up already. This part is a million times stronger than the little angelic bunny popping up from the ground saying "It's just a bus ride!"
|accurate depiction of a brain|
Crazy side is happy. Crazy side knows it's in control.
Jump to me waking up in the morning. The devil's been up for ages, drinking coffee, just chilling. Angel bunny is running around screaming. From here on out it's war- the weird part is that I'm on both sides. I'll try to do everything fast, but also waste as much time as I can, because catching that bus has now turned into this huge, scary highly improbable mission. I know what the crazy side's game plan is: do everything super slowly so that I inevitably miss the bus, hate myself, give up on all my dreams and resign myself to a life of cab-spending. I could just give in and follow this plan, saving myself from the eventual grief, but unfortunately the stupid, rational side is determined to fight. By the time I'm in the shower, I have fifteen minutes left and I'm so full of anxiety; a pressure cooker would be afraid. Basically what scares me is the part where I try super hard, ending with me dressing in thirty seconds, skipping breakfast and running to the bus stop, only to see the bus leaving. Now obviously, most people would be like "...... so what....? just try again tomorrow?" Unfortunately, it makes more sense in my head to just not try at all. Eventually I end up with three minutes left to get dressed and eat breakfast. Now THIS is the part that I really don't get. I know I could catch that bus. I've done it before. I'll have to run around crazily for a while but it'll be worth it in the end. For whatever reason, my brain decides no, we'll do everything properly and take a cab. That's okay, I want to eat breakfast, it's a sensible decision. But then for the next ten years I feel like a loser. PICK A SIDE, ME (crazy side laughs).
I have no idea why I do this to myself. It probably has something to do with the fact that I'm ridiculously optimistic and have, like, zero sense of time. By ridiculously optimistic I mean that I can convince myself that it takes two hours to write an essay, (even though I know that's bullshit) and it ends up taking the whole night. The only way I can get around the crazy side is by getting up ridiculously early (seven a.m. for a ten a.m. bus), so even with all of its antics I have plenty of time to spare. This is intensely annoying, especially when you meet your friend at the bus stop and they're like "oh, I woke up twenty minutes ago". I hate you, sane people.
Whenever I decide I really want something, I end up stopping myself from getting it (that was so deep wow). I have to sneak around in my own head, pretending to be all nonchalant like 'psshh, I don't care about my grades.' Obviously, that's impossible because my brain can see me studying and shit and can tell what I'm doing. This is when the devil wakes up and is like " I bet you won't finish studying in time". I panic, procrastinate, scream at the crazy side, cry, procrastinate, hate myself, and yell "okay crazy side, you win! I give up!". And that's how I learned to write any assignment or study for any exam, in one night. The end.